Dear Boujee Black Girl, a letter to lil me

Every family needs a daughter who has her dad's temper, her mom's attitude, and doesn't like to be told what to do, and will constantly speak her mind. I am she...

Intro

It's taken me a long time to come to peace ad realize some of my childhood trauma, and this is something I'm still constantly discovering. Trauma is a all perspective based, is definitely something I have come to see. What I may see or understand, may not be the same situation for another, but that does not invalidate my own feelings. I constantly suppressed depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, overthinking, verbal and sometimes physical sexual assault and so much more, which flowed back and constantly got brought up throughout my life because I never dealt with it correctly. I cried constantly about EVERYTHING in silence, and it started to form bad coping habits. But I knew I didn't want these bad habits to continue in my own life or create generational trauma for my future family. I have noticed how I attract what I didn't have in my life growing up or felt like I was missing, and how I try to fulfill that missing piece for others, while I am still left un-whole. Not properly knowing how to express my emotions without getting upset, not knowing how to ask for help, how to fully be vulnerable without feeling awkward, or just simply being triggered by certain things. I REFUSE to feel these certain things or have these bad habits anymore, I want to be somewhat whole or feel complete. Being able to feel confident and recognize my own bad habits or what is not meant to be in my life. I have to discover myself and take a long look and deal with the past. I have felt that I have never been given the full opportunity to be myself, but I had to sit and realize it wasn't because of other people it was because of my own selfish ways and the way I viewed myself. It may seem selfish but these next few chapters of my life are about me and only me, because its truly never been before, I constantly always put peoples needs and thoughts above my own.

The reason its so easy for me to see someone else's POV and understand their feelings, is because I feel the need to take on the role of being a safe space, because I felt that I wasn't given that.

The Bounce Back

I always questioned why don't I bounce back quickly or why do I let these certain things effect me when they never have before. I had to understand as your grow older things around you and your emotions will grow just the same. So the reason it takes so long for me to recover or me question why I cant just handle the situation like "old me" would is simply because that's not who I am anymore. Who I used to be is not who I am truly called to be. Let me learn to rest in the fact that God's plans are bigger than my own. My own imagination and intuition has all these big plans and dreams that I want to accomplish, I can only imagine what God has in store that is better. I'm learning to sit and learn to listen for his voice, because his plans are bigger than my own understanding and exceed my own expectations. So I am learning even know to cast my worries unto him and simply just rest in fact that I can dream and plan for all these things, but in the end God had the final plan for my life, and I have to trust that he knows what's best and has heard my prayers. So I know rest in the fact and surrender that his plans will always be greater and more sufficient that mine.

I can deal with anything except abandonment. Being ignored, dismissed, and etc. are all triggers for me personally its my idea of the lowest you could ever treat me.

Closing

I've spent a lot of my time being the person who has helped, healed, and consoled others. I have had my share of emotional ups and downs, but still found a way to to put others around me first emotionally, and when I did it for myself I felt weak. As said before these next chapters I am focusing on myself first and only, dealing with my peace and internal healing, not belittling myself or own emotions. I am tired of being misunderstood emotionally or thinking I have to explain myself when I don't. I am giving myself forgiveness and grace for everything I have went through.

Boujee Tip of the Day: Stay true to the Proverbs 31:25 women you know that you are, never question your faith or discernment that God gave you. Learn how to be confident within yourself first and watch how God blesses everything you come into contact with.